The Tamora Pierce Talent Show
by Una Trompeta Con Nadie
Summary: Characters from Tamora Pierce's Tortall series (plural) come together for a huge talent show! Hosted by Albus Dumbledore, and judged by Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Rated for rabid monkeys. Please review!
1. In Which the Judges Are Introduced

The Tamora Pierce Talent Show

**Disclaimer**: WE DON'T OWN THE PEOPLE FROM HARRY POTTER OR TAMORA PIERCE.  All of us know who they are.  SO SHUT IT AND DON'T SUE US!

A/N: This _will_ contain Tamora Pierce characters, but for some strange reason, we have the judges and the host as Harry Potter characters. This was Juli's idea. _I'm just helping. Many of the gags are a result of typos that we didn't want to delete. (Actually, in the car we were writing with pen, so yeah, we couldn't delete_ or _erase it. WOWIE KABOODLES! THIS IS A LONG A/N!)_

**Chapter One- In Which the Judges are Introduced and No Contestants are Shown, Except for Roger Because he Wants to Take Over the World**

And now, here's your host….

Albus Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: First of all, I'd like to thank you all so much for coming to this dog-show like thing with people that I've NEVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE.  Hermione says she's heard of them, but then, she's read every freaking book there is.  Now, please give a hand for your judges, Harry Potter [no applause], Ron Weasley [slight applause], and Hermione Granger [shouts of 'Mudbloods Stink']!

Harry: Hi!  My name is Harry Potter!  I am your [drops his notecards], er, ALBUS!!  I FORGOT MY LINE!

Dumbledore [rolling eyes]: JUDGE, Harry. You are a JUDGE.

Harry [blushes]: Oh, right. Thanks.

Audience: BOOOOOO!

Ron: Yeah, right. What Harry said.

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOO, but we like your red hair.

Hermione: Hello. My name is Hermione Granger, and I will be your third judge today. I'll try to be as fair as possible, but if you do not agree with-

Random Audience Person: YOU'RE BORING! [throws rabid monkey at Hermione]

Herion: [ducks]

Hermione: [returns with cheese fries; Ron hungrily snatches them and alternates eating them and throwing them at Harry. Harry screams and runs in circles] WHO ARE YOU???

Herion: Your evil twin. I'm in enough fanfics already…

Hermione: Oh. Interesting. Are you still as smart as me?

Herion: OF COURSE! I AM SMARTER THAN YOU! 3.1415926535897932384626433! HA!

Hermione: What was that?

Herion: PI! I'm a Muggle! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT???

Hermione: Uh…

Herion: Smarter my foot.

Harry [from large pile of cheese fries]: HERMIONE ISN'T SMART! THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!

Voldemort: You're right. I _am_ the end of the world, aren't I? [In a girlish voice] Teeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!  …Gotta work on evil laugh… [runs around cursing everyone he sees]

Harry: VOLDEMORT, YOUR END IS NOW!

Voldemort: Not until you see my drug store. It is quite the little bistro.

Harry: NEVER!

Voldemort: COME WITH ME TO VOLDYMART, YOUR SOURCE FOR ALL THINGS EVIL!

Harry: Are there cows there?

Voldemort: No. That's a stupid question.

Harry: Fine. Then I'm not coming.

Voldemort: Okay, be that way. I just wanted you to look at my slug polishers and be my friend… [Disapparates, sobbing quietly]

Dumbledore: Can we introduce the contestants already? This _is about them, you know…_

Ron: NO! THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE IN THE LIMELIGHT! I ALMOST GETTED STABBED BY A MAD MURDERER PERSON!

Hermione: I thought we went through this already. HE WAS LOOKING FOR SCABBERS! HE WAS INNOCENT! I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T!

Ron: He broke my leg. In one place! Now _that's_ evil.

Hermione: NO IT'S NOT! WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD? HE GOT BIT BY A SNAKE!

Ron: Yeah, but that wasn't evil. It was a gesture of Harry's love.

Hermione: CAN WE PLEASE GET ON WITH IT???

Dumbledore: Of course. [announcer voice that sounds like the guy at the NBA] AND HEEEEEERE'S OUR FIRST CONTESTANT, DUKE ROGER OF CONTẺ! [mutters] Who is dead.

Roger: BOW TO ME, MY LOYAL… um… THINGIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  BOW!  NOW!

Audience: [applauds]

Roger: I SAID, _BOW_, YOU IDIOTIC, uh, IMBECILES!

Dumbledore: Roger, I'd just like to inform you that _you_ are not allowed to use magic as your talent.

Roger: But _Alanna_ told me that she was going to magick you into- well, she also told me not to tell.  But _she_ gets to use magic!

Dumbledore: Yes, but she also isn't bent on world domination.

Roger: Shut up.

Dumbledore: I'm afraid that shutting up will be quite impossible.  When one has had that habit of talking for [counts] 293 years, it becomes rather difficult to break.

Harry: Plus, how do you shut up anyway?  Do you, like, shut down first, or what?

Dumbledore and Roger [in unison]: Stupid Harry.

Dumbledore: You have thirty seconds to prepare for your act that will wow the judges to give you a perfect score, and will _not_ involve you trying to take over the world.

Roger: Fine, fine…

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A/N: WE WANT REVIEWS!!  WHAT WILL ROGER DO???  FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!!  REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!  THANK YOU!

                                                --Maddie and Juli, the Two Trumpeteers


	2. In Which Roger Becomes a TapDancing Coun...

The Tamora Pierce Talent Show

**Disclaimer**: We already told ya, WE DON'T OWN THESE CHARACTERS!!!  Except for Joe.  And Roxie.  The song "Maybelline" belongs to Chuck Berry.  The version we're using, or, rather, Roger is using, was adapted by Paul Simon.

A/N: Now, on to the TP characters!!  Finally!  LOL!  Please review!!  :D

**Chapter Two- In Which Roger Becomes a Tap-Dancing Country Rock Star and Alanna is Jealous ("What was I thinking when I killed him?!")**

          Roger: [Comes onstage in a cute little tutu over a Tuxedo from Our Place, wearing a derby and carrying a long pointy stick] I WILL BE TAP-DANCING AND SINGING FOR YOU TODAY, MR. DUMBODOOR!

          Dumbledore: Frankly, I do not think that my ears are that large, or that I look much like a door, but suit yourself.

          Roger: Thank you.  [Points to old bag lady that suddenly appeared] Hit it, Roxie!

          Roxie: [Hits it]

          Roger: [sings] Ohhhh, Maybelline, why can't you be true?  Oh, Maybelline, why can't you be true?  You know, it's not right doin' those things you used to do!  [Falls, sticks himself somewhere with the pointy stick thingy, then gets back up] As I was motivating over the hill, saw Maybelline at the Coup-de-Ville!  Cadillac [mutters] - I wish I had a Cadillac! - rollin' on the open road, yeah, but nothing outrace my V8 Ford!

          That Same Random Person from the Audience: YEAH!  MY V9 FORD!

          Roger: [continues singing]

          Same Random Person: [Picks another rabid monkey from the pile beside him and throws it at Roger]

          Roger: [ducks and continues singing and dancing] Then we're bumper to bumper and side to side!  Maybelline!!!!!!!  [Falls again, sticks himself with the pointy thingy again, and throws it at the audience, spearing that random person, who has a name.  It's Joe.]  Why can't you be true?  Whoa, Maybelline, why can't you be true?  You know, it's not right doing those things you used to do!

          Ron [caught up in the moment and the prettyful music]: TOO RIGHT IT'S NOT!

          All except Ron: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay….

          Roger: [still singing] Heat cooled down, motor cooled down, that's when I heard that highway sound.  Cadillac a-sittin' like a ton of lead, about one hundred and ten, half a mile ahead.  Cadillac a-lookin' like it's standing still, and I caught Maybelline at the top of the hill!

          Ron: [Sobs] It's so beautiful!

          Roger: [Bows Yamani-style over and over again]

          Dumbledore: [Gently pats Roger] That's enough, now.  The judges are going to make their decision.

          Alanna: [Runs out from backstage and hugs Roger] Oh, Roger!  You are so talented!  Why ever did I kill you?

          Roger: Er… because I was slowly destroying the Queen?

          Alanna: [Looks disgusted] Oh, yeah.  Right.  [Tries to kill Roger again with the rabid monkey she stole from Joe]

          Dumbledore: The judges have made their final decisions!  We'll lead you offstage as we show everyone watching at home your score.

          Judges: [Have made their final decisions]

          Roger: [Is led offstage]

          Harry:  I don't like country music.  Probably because Dudley has a passion for the Dixie Chicks, and worships them as he sings in the shower.  I give it a two.

          Ron: [Wipes a tear from his eye] That was splendidly rectifying!  I give it a zero!

          Hermione: Well, your vocal cords seem to be strangely festering, so I give it a negative five.

          Ron: WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU???  THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

          Harry: Well, _you were the one who gave him a zero._

          Ron: Shut up.

          Harry: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT???  **_HOW DO YOU SHUT UP?????_**

          Ron: I think you shut down first.

          Audiences at Home: [See a negative three] WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

          Harry: [randomly begins to sing] Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!  Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah!  Ting, tang!  Walla walla bing bang!

          Hermione: Oh, shut up, will you?

          Harry: BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!

          Roger: [Is led back onstage]

          Dumbledore: Thank you for competing, Roger.  Your score will be shown at the end of the competition.  I'll give you a clue: you're in first place.

          Roger: Really?  YAY!!!

          Dumbledore: [mutters] It's because you're the first contestant.

          Roger: [Is too busy celebrating to hear; he is doing disco]

          Dumbledore: And now, please give a warm welcome to our next contestant, Raoul of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak!

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A/N: Did you like it??  Please review!!  Next time: What will Raoul do?  Will Harry ever learn to shut up?  We don't think so, and we're writing this.

                                                          --The Two Trumpeteers, Juli and Maddie


End file.
